The Kat Life: Negative Self-Talk: My WORST Mood-Killing Habit

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It wasn't until after I had written my post about my worst mood-killing habits that I realized that I had left out my worst mood-killing habit of all. As a matter of fact, I didn't even realize that it even was a bad habit, or how bad it can be, until after I had published that post. It didn't actually hit me until I was watching the fifth episode of Shane Dawson's series, The Beautiful World Of Jeffree Star. It resonated with me instantly when Shane said that he wanted to stop saying negative things about himself. That was when I realized that this was something I really need to work on as well, as I know for a fact that I can be my own harshest critic. I often find myself saying harsh-ass shit to myself that I would never say to another person. So needless to say, I've allowed this habit of negative self-talk to go almost completely unchecked for far too long. And going into 2020, it's time to start changing that.

I already know that getting out of the habit of negative self-talk is not going to be easy. It isn't easy to quit any bad habit. But given the fact that not only am I going to need to a behavior, but a mindset, this one is going to be significantly harder to beat. I'm not only going to need to be mindful of how I speak of myself out loud, but I'm also going to need to be mindful of my own internal thoughts. I'm going to need to change a behavior that comes way too naturally to me, and an unhealthy mindset that I have had since I was a teenager. Honestly, this mindset may go back even further than that. I actually don't remember what it feels like to not speak or think negatively of myself. Nor do I remember a time when I wasn't hyper-critical of myself in one way or another.

Yeah, this is certainly not going to be an easy habit to break. Especially with my current mindset telling me that this is a habit that I can't break out of. As a matter of fact, my current mindset tells me that I don't even deserve to break out of this habit. So you know what? Let's correct those thoughts right now. Even though I know it will take quite a bit of effort, I can change my mindset. I will change my mindset. I am worthy of a more positive mindset about myself. I am worthy of not taking any shit from anyone, including myself. I am worthy of realizing my own self-worth. I am worthy of self-love. All of these things that I tell others that they are worthy of, I need to start telling myself that I am worthy of too. Even if I don't always believe it for myself just yet. I'll get there one day.

But why did I develop this very destructive, yet super common, habit in the first place? Personally, I feel that multiple factors have aided in manifesting this awful habit for me. The one that stands out the most to me was being bullied when I was in school, and having negative thoughts about myself placed into my mind by other people. While I can that being bullied as a teen made me realize the importance of being kind to others, and not allowing a joke to go too far, it made it hard for me to apply those same rules to myself. I can be absolutely relentless in making deprecating jokes, snide remarks, and hyper-critical comments about myself. Honestly, some of the things that say myself are worse than anything anyone has said to me in school. Part of me felt like I had to be mean to myself because I would be verbally ripped to shreds if I showed any glimmer of confidence. When I already wasn't feeling confident or was embarrassed in any way, I felt like I had to beat them to the punch. I feel as if a lot of people who were bullied can relate to this, though.

Another big reason that I feel that I'm so harsh towards myself is that it seems that society expects us to be hard on ourselves, especially as women. Although honestly, I feel this applies to us as humans in general. We are constantly critiquing ourselves for one reason or another and unfairly comparing ourselves to other people. If it's not our looks, it's our social lives, our careers, our talents, our intelligence, or who knows what else. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not a bad thing to hold ourselves to a high standard. It's also not bad for us to be critical of ourselves, it's actually necessary for our growth as people. But the thing is, we need to fair with ourselves and strive to be the best that we can be without expecting ourselves to be perfect.

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So, now the question is, how am I going to go about changing not only the behavior of outwardly speaking poorly of myself but also the thoughts that I don't verbalize? How am I going to go about changing my entire mindset about myself? Well, first things first, it starts with telling myself that I can change my mindset and that I am worthy of self-love. It starts with not speaking so harshly about myself around other people because I may feel like they might be judging me. It also starts with not allowing myself to take shit from others and distancing myself from toxic people. And last but certainly not least, it starts with being mindful of my own thoughts about myself, and finding a way to divert negative thoughts into a more positive direction. Perhaps it would also not be a bad idea to make a full list of things that I love about myself or things that I'm good at, as awkward and cheesy as I would feel doing it.

These are all small but major steps that I'm going to need to take towards changing my mindset. Another big thing here would be to practice gratitude regularly and to always remember to be thankful for what I do have going for me. Maybe I should start a gratitude journal? Or maybe include a gratitude element to my bullet journal? I definitely want to do something there! Honestly, I feel that getting creative in some way with this journey will not only help to keep me accountable along the way and help me to visualize it better, but also help me to stay inspired.

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I'll be honest, this post was a little awkward for me to write. Although I had already shared that I want to start practicing positive self-talk in my previous post, this is the first time I have actually said that I am worthy. This is the first time that I've put into words that I deserve to have a more positive mindset about myself. And I'm posting this on the internet, where literally anyone can read this. But you know that? That's actually the point. Because I know how common this habit of negative self-talk is. Perhaps that's a part of why Shane Dawson included that little clip in his series? But even if it wasn't actually his intention to inspire anyone with his personal goal, he certainly inspired me.

So on that note, are you guilty of negative self-talk as well? Do you ever find yourself doing it without even realizing it or giving it much thought? Is this something you want to work on as well, or perhaps it's something you're already working on? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this harmful but rather common habit.