How Heartbreak Affects Me

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Having your heart ripped out by someone that you love and trust fucking sucks, it really fucking sucks. I personally can not think of anything that affects me worse than heartbreak; and the mental, emotional, and physical toll it has on me. I'm not even trying to be dramatic when I say that heartbreak is practically debilitating for me. No, really, I think I actually function better when I'm sick than when I'm heartbroken. Actually, wait a minute, heartbreak does make me feel sick. I'm not even exaggerating, heartbreak will cause me to feel physically ill. So when you throw in the mental and emotional turmoil, yeah, it's fucking hell. Needless to say, I do not handle heartbreak very well. Does anyone handle it very well? I think we can all agree that heartbreak fucking sucks. It really fucking sucks.

But seriously, having my heart broken takes such an intense toll on me that I often wonder why I even put myself in the position where I can potentially have my heart ripped out. Seriously, why do I do this to myself? Just because I've dreamed of true love since I was 5 years old, and it feels incredible to be in love with someone special? Honestly, the best feeling in the world to me is the feeling of being in love. I totally realize how cheesy that sounds, and I sometimes wish it wasn't the truth for me, but it is. For me, and probably everyone else, there's a day and night difference between the feelings of being in love and being heartbroken. When I'm in love, I feel like I'm on top of the world. But when I have my heart ripped out? Bloody fucking hell, it's quite a shitty feeling.

Photo courtesy of Erik Mclean on Pexels

Let me just go on the record to say that, although I am a complete hopeless romantic, it's actually a pretty rare occurrence for me to fall in love. I don't even develop crushes that often, I really don't. But when I do end up falling for someone, I fall hard. When I fall for someone, that person practically becomes my whole world, and I would do absolutely anything for that person. They are literally on my mind from the moment I wake up to the time I go to sleep. Even when I'm occupied with something else, they are on my mind. I know that some of you are probably rolling your eyes reading that, but I'd be lying if I said otherwise. When I love someone, I freaking love them, and I can't just stop loving them, even after they break my heart. Ugh, why am I like this? Can I not be like this? Can I not be someone who loves so deeply that the pain of losing a lover is fucking unbearable?

I'll be honest, I actually feel okay when I'm single, and on my own. I'll even admit that when I'm not in a relationship, I actually feel a sense of freedom, particularly from the problems and anxieties that naturally come with being in one. I mean, I can't get my heart shattered into a million pieces when my heart isn't on the line, to begin with. But the thing is, although I'll feel okay when I'm single, that's the very thing; I just feel okay. And I crave that blissful feeling of being in love, despite knowing there is always a risk of ending up heartbroken and feeling like shit. My heart doesn't make the most intelligent decisions when it comes to love, yet, I optimistically follow it. Maybe this person won't break my heart? Wait, nevermind, they did.

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I will feel physically ill. 

I can't be the only person who gets physically ill after a breakup; or after any event that causes significant emotional distress. Almost without fail, within just a couple of hours of a breakup, I will get sick. I will spare you the details, but let's just say, I'll basically be bound to the bathroom with digestive issues. On top of that, my chest will hurt, my head will hurt, my whole body will ache. It's a fucking nightmare. I will feel physically exhausted, but won't be able to get proper sleep. Even when the worst of it subsides, I'll still feel horrible, and I will be more susceptible to illness (not what I needed during COVID-19 times). Needless to say, being heartsick is quite literal for me.

I will fall into bad habits and stop taking care of myself.

After a breakup, all of the good habits I've built tend to get thrown right out the window, and bad ones will instantly start popping back up. And I must say, this certainly doesn't help the situation, as these habits make me feel crappy enough, without the added emotional turmoil of a breakup. I will completely neglect my basic needs, and self-care will be practically non-existent, causing me to feel worse and worse. I will find myself sleeping too little, then way too much. I will go without eating because the mere idea of food will make me nauseous, even after the worst of the digestive issues pass. I'll just stay in bed all day, dwelling in negative thoughts, not caring that I'm digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole. Because I honestly won't care about much after a breakup or at least nothing to do with myself. I'll even be under the impression that I deserve to feel that way, and it takes everything I have to get out of it.

My self-esteem will plummet down to nothing.

I'll be honest with you, low self-esteem is already something that I have struggled with since I was in middle school. Building up my self-confidence is something that I've definitely been working on as an adult, and I have had success in building up my confidence. But as soon as a breakup happens, any progress I've made flies out the fucking window. I know that I shouldn't let another person define my worth, not a family member, not a friend, and certainly not a romantic partner, but when you get your heart fucking ripped out by a lover, you can't help but feel shitty about yourself. At least, I know that I can't. Why wasn't I good enough for them? Where did I go wrong? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not smart, funny, kind, or anything enough? I know that this is a ridiculous way to think, but I can't help but fall into a hole of self-loathing and negative thoughts.

For the record, I'm not telling you this because I want you to pity me. I'm also not fishing for compliments here. I'm saying this because I know that I'm not the only one who will fall into negative self-talk after a breakup. With that said, I'll say this for myself, and anyone who needs to hear this; know your worth. Seriously, don't let one person tear you down, no matter how much you love them.

I will become hypersensitive to just about everything.

Most people on the receiving end of a breakup will find themselves crying, a lot. After a breakup, if I'm not in tears at the given moment, I'm damn near tears. Seriously, it doesn't take much to throw me into a crying fit when I'm dealing with heartbreak, sometimes, all it takes is a song, a quote, some tiny thing that reminds me of that person, a thought that popped into my head. Sometimes, it doesn't even have to be anything related to that person or the breakup, as I'll be highly sensitive to everything. Things that wouldn't typically even phase me become too much. And not only will I be quick to break down into tears, but I'll also be extremely easy to anger. I swear, after a breakup, everything annoys me. If it doesn't make me want to cry, it makes me want to throw something, If not both.

I will become isolated from everyone (and everything) and try to escape.

Although immediately after a breakup, I'll want to vent, and I won't want to be alone, I quickly retreat into isolation. For numerous reasons, I will seclude myself to my bedroom, and won't even want to text anyone or use social media. After a breakup, I'll often receive quite a few concerned messages from friends, and I can't thank them enough for thinking of me and wanting to be there for me. But I won't have the energy to respond to anybody. I won't want to talk about what had happened, as I'll be hypersensitive to the subject, but I won't be able to talk about much else. In times like these, I'd feel like a burden to my friends, as I'll be so full of negativity; another reason why I'll choose to isolate. I know that I should be looking to my support system during times like these, yet I still find myself becoming completely isolated. And even though a big part of me will want to be alone, at the same time, I won't actually want to be alone. Still, I find myself isolating from everyone and everything that could potentially help me feel better.

I will start overthinking everything.

I think we all have a tendency to overthink things, even on our best days. But after a breakup, my overthinking will go into overdrive, and I still find myself overanalyzing every moment of the relationship. I'll find myself mentally kicking myself for every little thing I see as being a mistake in the relationship, even if it was relatively minor. I will lay in my bed, trying to figure out what went wrong and when it went wrong. Why did I say or do that? Why didn't I say or do that? Why didn't I take notice of this sooner? What could I have done differently? I will drive myself crazy with all of these questions in my head, and trying to answer them, but not usually knowing the answers, but still wishing I could have done everything differently. I'll find myself obsessing over the past and overthinking, to the point that it's all that I'm thinking about.

I won't be able to focus on anything or do anything productive.

As a result of everything mentioned above, I will have absolutely no motivation to get anything done. I'm practically bedridden after a breakup, so being productive is out of the question. I can't even focus on things that I would typically enjoy, even playing video games requires more focus and energy than I have when I'm heartbroken. Hell, getting out of bed long enough to take a shower is a drag after a breakup. I'm just keeping it real here. Honestly, I don't even know anyone can be productive at all after a breakup. I suppose you do what you have to do, but my freaking goodness, even the simplest things become a drag for me.

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I know that there are more pressing issues going on in the world than my romantic struggles, but that doesn't invalidate the fact that heartbreak really fucking sucks. The pain that a breakup can leave can feel unbearable, and if you have ever felt similarly to how I feel after a breakup, you are not alone. No, you are not weak, and you are not crazy. If you're going through it right now, I know this is hard to believe, but you will be okay. Once again, I say that for both myself and anyone who needs to hear it. Breakups are really fucking rough, I know, but in time, you will start to feel better, whether you believe that or not.

How does heartache affect you? Do you feel similarly to me when you're heartbroken? Have you found any ways to ease the pain of heartbreak? I would love to hear your thoughts. And if you're going through it right now, I'm sending you a virtual hug. Because honestly, I am too.